Where to start….

I’ve been blogging elsewhere for the last few years, although I haven’t blogged at all in the last year due to the fact that I just couldn’t.

Blogging has always been cathartic for me.  There’s something about writing things down and getting your feelings out, even if noone is listening.

Last year has been a hard one for me, though.  March 27th will be the one year anniversary of my father’s death.  And, even though a year has gone by, it doesn’t feel any different than the day he passed away.  It still depresses me.  It still hurts.  It still angers me.

In January of 2008, my father was diagnosed with Esophageal Cancer.  There doesn’t seem to be a lot of awareness out there for this kind of cancer but the survival rate is not good considering it is not usually diagnosed until the advanced stage.  My father was told there was nothing they could do and gave him 6-8 months.  He died only 2 months later.  It’s still hard to deal with because we really thought we had that 6-8 months and were planning our last vacation together as a family.  My Dad was excited about it but he lost his battle too early.

It hurts that his life ended so quickly.  My mother, nephew, and brother seem to be coping well, yet I struggle every day.  I have dreams almost every other night that he’s still alive….just off somewhere getting treatment and then he comes back.  I guess I watch too much TV and want that TV/Movie ending where the hero shows up alive.  My father was a huge part of me and it’s tough surviving without him.  I keep hoping that one day I’ll wake up and I’ll be OK, and it’s hard to explain to people.  Most wish you would get over it so they don’t have to hear about it anymore.  I wish it were that easy.

I would love to be able to move on.  I would love to not wake up depressed or go to bed crying.  I would love to be able to sleep at night like a normal person.  This is my reality for now and I do what I can to keep my mind off things and hope that my reality will change eventually.

It’s just hard to see a new reality through the fog….

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